Sexy Nipple Time in Vegas 2010

This is a different trip report than I normally do. Yes Vegas was awesome. Yes Caesars Palace was awesome. Yes gambling was fun and yes we lost money. Yes Jasmine's in the Bellagio was the best brunch I ever had in my life. Yes we drank a lot. Yes we took a photo with Elvis. Yes the limo from the airport (Presidential Limo) was great. Yes we did the touristy thing and took a picture in front of the "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign. And yes, Downtown Las Vegas was a fun time.

These are all things you see in every Vegas trip report, so why repeat the obvious?

Instead this report is about Sexy Nipple Time. You see, we went to Vegas with our friends Kevin and Annie. To avoid confusion, I'm known as Big Kevin and he is known as Little Kevin. And no, it isn't because of our weight. It is because of the size of something else. Anyway the key to understanding this story is the fact that Little Kevin is madly in love with his wife. So in love he decided to get a tattoo of her name. And that is where the adventure begins.

(DISCLAIMER: This story is 100% factual as photos on the website will attest to. No names have been changed so that maximum embarrassment will result.)

Of course while Little Kevin was in love he wasn't crazy in love so the tattoo had to be Henna and not Ink.

We picked a place at random on the strip and Little Kevin starts to get a Henna tattoo on his left breast of a heart with Annie's name beneath it. At this point (aided by a yard of rum and coke) I can't stop laughing. There are pictures of little girls on the walls getting these tattoos. My daughters get these tattoos. I've never known a grown man to get a Henna tattoo. My laughter is contagious and Annie and Veda start laughing and then the tattoo guy starts laughing too. It's finally over though, and we leave. Kevin is given instructions to keep the tattoo uncovered for 20 minutes. So, shirt half open, we start to walk to New York New York.

We need more alcohol at this point though and so we stop at an outside bar for a little pick me up. I go up to place our order and while waiting started talking to a man sitting at the bar. He informs me he is from the moon. I say ok, take our drinks and leave. But as we start to go we notice the bar has Karaoke. We've been looking for this so decide to go back in.

On our way to select a song we pass the moon man. I introduce him to Annie and now there is another man madly in love with her. She keeps trying to (politely) leave, but he has a vice grip on her wrist and yanks her back in like a yo-yo each time she tries to pull away. This provides some more laughter for us, but little do we know what is about to happen.

Annie finally gets away and we are looking at the song list. A huge (easily 6'3", 300lbs) very drunk and very gay man starts to whisper in my wife's ear. He tells her he can't resist Little Kevin's hairy chest (remember, shirt is open to let tattoo dry) and needs to run his hands through it. Veda pleads with him not to. She briefly thinks about telling us the problem, but knows that will lead to more laughter and embarrassment for Little Kevin so she trusts the very drunk, very gay man to be good. But he is drinking a giant can of Old English 800 and Little Kevin's chest is calling to him. He brushes past Veda and grabs Little Kevin's chest.

Annie screams. Half of the tattoo is now ruined. She was on the fence about Karaoke before and still feeling woozy from the moon man advances, and this pushes her over the edge. She storms out. The rest of us are looking at Little Kevin's chest with a mixture of horror and laughter. To make matters worse, the man tries to reach out again and "fix" what he messed up. I'm able to block him this time and we all just leave.

Boy, Annie is mad.

We still are walking towards NYNY. Kevin still has his shirt open (half a tattoo is better than none). We meet a group of 3-4 girls and one guy. The guy might be gay so we need to protect Little Kevin and his gay catnip chest. One of the girls yells at us to turn around and come do Karaoke with them. Any other time this would be a winner - they seem like a fun group. However, given what just happened there, this is, sadly, not a possibility.

We explain the situation to the loud yelling girl and they all start laughing. The guy starts yelling Sexy Nipple Time in a Borat voice. This causes us to start laughing all over again. Even Annie, as mad as she is, can't resist laughing. We talk and laugh for a while longer and then we need to say goodbye. But the girl who first stopped us has a surprise for us. She reaches out and grabs Kevin's chest. Now any semblance of a tattoo is replaced with a black smudge. Even though this is a kind of dick move, it is very funny and we laugh some more. We part friends and continue on to NYNY.

It is so late by the time we get to NYNY everything is closed except one diner that is in the process of closing. We grab a couple of slices of pizza, walk around, and head back to our hotel (Caesars).

On the way we decide to stop back at the tattoo parlor and explain what happened to see if the guy will give us another tattoo. We do, and he thinks it's a funny story. Not funny enough for a free tattoo, but funny enough for a discounted one. Fine. Now Little Kevin has the heart + Annie's name on his right chest.

Kevin now has his shirt totally open. It is pretty chilly and his nipples can cut diamonds. We are reminded of Sexy Nipple Time and know that we need protection from gay guys and drunk girls. We find a security guard and ask him to escort us back to the hotel. He declines, but does pose for a photo with Kevin. This gives us an idea. When my kids were little they did something for school called Flat Stanly. They took this cut out piece of paper that was a photo of "Stanly" and sent him to friends and relatives. Each person was supposed to take a photo of Stanly somewhere and then send him to someone else. The result would be a photo log of Stanly travelling to various spots around the world.

Since we were in Vegas and had some "famous" places here (Paris, Venice, etc.) we decided to do Flat Kevin. It really turned into photos of people we met on the strip, but that was even funnier.

After the security guard we found 3 guys with a small stuffed tiger. Kevin poses with the tiger and stokes the tiger's crotch area while the 3 guys surround him and make growling noises/faces. The situation doesn't seem that "manly" and I notice the crotch area of the tiger is ripped open. My Spidey sense starts to tingle and I need to get Flat Kevin out of there pronto. Like Kevin Costner (aren't all Kevin's cool?) carrying Whitney Houston in the Bodyguard I rush in, snatch him in my arms, and cart him away.

OK, that last part about Kevin Costner was made up, but the tiger's crotch was ripped and I did decide we exit stage right.

We pose in front of Paris and some other casinos and find a few other random strangers. We got a great shot of Flat Kevin looking wistful in front of the Bellagio fountains. And another great shot of him with a bunch of construction workers. But finally we made it back to Caesars and just in time. I think Flat Kevin's nipples have frostbite. We bid Flat Kevin and Annie good night and head back to our room. The next day we find out the new tattoo and the black smudge of the old one washed off immediately upon contact with water. We realize the Henna guy has had the final laugh as we paid twice for water color paint.

But the laughs (and pictures)...priceless!